Unrenowned Artist Interviewed by Phony Magazine

 

Kurtz, an imaginary journalist who has never been employed by Repent Harlequin, a contemporary art magazine that doesn't exist, sat down with Lara Samuels, a junk artist who does exist but nobody has ever heard of, to discuss her work. 

Run-on sentences are fine, now, by the way.

 

Kurtz: Good morning, Lara. Since you are completely unknown, why don't you take a moment to introduce yourself?

Lara: Okay. First, I want to thank the thoroughly fake magazine Repent Harlequin for providing me with the contrived opportunity to discuss my work, which I never get to do because nobody cares.

Kurtz: It's our pleasure.

Lara: Artistically, I would say I work in the world of assemblage and essence. I like to make things with shapes and colors, in other words. I also like to juxtapose nature with trash that I pick up on the road. For example, I build terrariums that contain actual plants, but also junk, like lightbulbs and scissors. My sculptures gather dust and cobwebs which may or may not be a feature of the art. It may just reflect my poor housekeeping skills. I'm up to date on my tetanus shots, in case you're worried.

Kurtz: It does sound dangerous. Lots of potential sharp edges and dirt.

Lara: Yes, also I burn myself with hot glue a lot.

Kurtz: Sharp edges and hot glue seem like the perfect description of your latest work "Wasps' Nest Hot-glued to Chicken Feet."  Could you enlighten us as to the origin of this piece?

 Lara: Yes, of course. Thank you for your kind words. The piece began when my clumsy boyfriend knocked a ceramic chicken sculpture that we both cherished onto the floor and broke it. My world has not been the same ever since.

Kurtz: I see. So, as tragic as this event appears to have been for you, you have channeled these emotions positively into art.

Lara: Not really, Kurtz. It was more about the serendipitous unity of the shapes. I had found this wasps' nest that was almost the same shape as the broken part of the chicken sculpture and so I glued them together. It has not made me feel any better about my loss.

Kurtz: You say that you were inspired by Comedian, a piece created by the artist Maurizio Cattelan. It features a banana taped to a wall.

Lara: Inspired? Well, in a way, I guess. I just thought his sculpture really sucked and I could do better.

Kurtz: Oh, I see. It is pure competition that drove you.

Lara: Yes. You know how competitive artists are. It's basically a throw down.  Now, let's just do an item to item comparison, shall we? His organic feature is a banana, mine is a wasps' nest. Mine won't rot, his will. Also, wasps' nests are not cultivated at the expense of natural habitat and bananas are. On the other hand, hot glue is just as bad for the environment as duct tape, so we are equal there, but chicken feet are much more interesting than a wall. There you have it. Three wins for me and one tie.

Kurtz: But bananas are nutritionally superior.

Lara: That's what you claim.

Kurtz: Okay, here's another win for him: his sold for 6.2 million at auction.

Lara: I'm going to get 6.3 million for mine.

Kurtz: Really? That seems far fetched considering you are completely unknown. 

Lara: I won't be after this interview. 

Kurtz: Okay, here's another comparison. Cattelan has said that his piece is not a joke. It is a "sincere commentary and a reflection on what we value." Could you comment as to the significance of your piece?

Lara: He said that?

Kurtz: Yes.

Lara. Well, I thought my piece was a satire of a satire, but what you say, here, changes everything. I'm just going to take your word for it that he said that. In that case, my piece is also a sincere commentary and reflection on what we value.

Kurtz: Could you elaborate?

Lara: Sure. We are wrecking nature, the purest form of art there is, by raping the earth in the interest of making a few people super rich.

Kurtz: That may be true, but how does the sculpture speak to that theme?

Lara: It's chickens vs. wasps, dummy. Chickens are not nature, they are livestock. Wasps are extremely important ecologically, but we like to kill them. Chickens are damaging to the environment, and we worship them. Well, now that I think about it, we like to kill them, too. Anyway, they are certainly an extension of humanity's greed. In my sculpture, greed and nature are equally balanced. They appear to be tangled in a ferocious battle. But the choices we make over the next few years could tilt us either direction. That's why the sculpture is unstable. Just like the banana sculpture. Duct tape doesn't hold up forever, you know. Mine will last longer, that much is clear.

Kurtz: Since you are so obviously concerned about the biodiversity crisis and opposed to greed, as reflected in your sculpture, will the 6.3 million dollars go to a good cause? Perhaps conservation?

Lara: Well, I thought about that, Kurtz, but then I realized that it might be a turn off for people. You know, what we think of as a "good cause" has totally changed.  Selfishness is totally in, environmental stewardship? BORING. So, instead the 6.3 million I am going to get for this sculpture will go directly into my pocket and I will become disgustingly rich!

Kurtz: I see. What will you do with the money?

Lara: I'll do what all disgustingly rich people do! I'll destroy lots of habitat by building several ostentatious and ridiculously huge houses, increase my consumption of fossil fuels, make myself incredibly attractive by slathering poisons all over my body, and buy stupid art work. Stuff like that.

Kurtz: What about drugs?

Lara: Of course. How could I forget the drugs? That's where most of it will go. How else will I cope with the guilt resulting from my flagrant usurpation of my values? I mean when I guess I could use my totally unearned wealth to make the world a better place. It'll be hard. I'll need drugs. 

Kurtz: Finally, your sculpture is absurd. Do you agree?

Lara: Well, Kurtz, we live in absurd times.

Kurtz: Thank you, Lara. To see more of Lara Samuels's junk sculptures go to her house. She'll dust them off for you. Or maybe she won't.