letter to a friend part II

Dear Screams,

There are people who are born to be lonely, then there are people that have loneliness thrust upon them. I am of the latter camp since, despite what I said in my last letter, I am, in fact, social and quite a nice person to be around. But I am always alone and quite tired of it, actually. I mean, tonight...tonight, what did I do? I went to the gym, which was nice, because I was really angry and was able to sustain extra time on the fucking stair stepper and my MP3 player really made a difference getting me pumped up with the classical music and all. Then I went home and did some stupid shit around the house. Then I went to the book store and bought "Plutarch: The Rise and Fall of Athens: Nine Greek Lives" because I'm somehow obsessed with the purity of Athens, living, as I do, in a failed, fake, farce of a democracy with a failed, fake, farce of a monotheistic religion at its core. I sat for a while and gazed at the beautiful paintings in a book about the Louvre, pausing specifically on Leonardo, because its so dark and lovely. Then I went to the Stone Spiral and read about Enhanced Interrogation Techniques (AKA TORTURE), and then a little about  Romulus and Theseus and listened to some dude play maudlin songs on a piano. Then I went home. And here I am, writing to you, Screams.  I've decided I'm going to start going to bed early and getting up WAY early, you know, like 4:00. I'm more productive in the morning. At night I just tend to pace and drink and think too much. In the morning I'll pay my bills, maybe do some painting, reading, cleaning, listening to political radio, cook, etc. But this is not the life I wanted, Screams. Not at all. I never asked for this life. I'm facing Christmas and New Years alone. I have acquaintances that invite me places but they all have real lives, with kids and spouses and the like. I saw a dude tonight I always see walking around alone and I think "that guy wants to be alone". My friend The Blasphemer from the Hinterland wants to be alone. The loners I know WANT to be alone. I don't. I just have to be alone. I am in the best shape of my life, beautiful and daring and confident and ready to splash into the world with lust and adventure and the people around me are like fragile ballerinas in a jewelry box worn out and winding down while the world just wants to strap me with its chains.

I don't know what to do.

Anyway, I'm going to bed. Early. I'll write to you in the morning.